16 October 2010
I'm doing good.
I got a teaching job and working every day. It gives me discipline and moderate social pressure. I love to express myself in the class room. I easily fit in this job. Bupropion is working well still. Ejaculation delay of SSRI has has been solved taking bupropion. I now enjoy the pleasure of early ejaculation lol. I love my work. I love my life. Stable life is the best. I don't wanna go back to bipolar "roller coaster" mental states. I have a minor problem, though. I have bad dreams every night. They are so hopeless and dreading. I wake up with despair and it takes some time to convince myself that was just a dream, and raise my mood up to the normal.
03 October 2010
nightmare
I now take one bupropion tablet in the morning, and it works great. I feel peaceful all day and bring the control of my brain into my hands back.
There is one problem, though. I have nightmares almost every night. Last night I jumped out of my bed and hit my face on the desk.
Maybe, subconscious mind somehow works as a balancer between happiness and unhappiness. Or, maybe we humans are programmed not to be all happy.
There is one problem, though. I have nightmares almost every night. Last night I jumped out of my bed and hit my face on the desk.
Maybe, subconscious mind somehow works as a balancer between happiness and unhappiness. Or, maybe we humans are programmed not to be all happy.
nightmare
I now take one bupropion tablet in the morning, and it works great. I feel peaceful all day and bring the control of my brain into my hands back.
There is one problem, though. I have nightmares almost every night. Last night I jumped out of my bed and hit my face on the desk.
Maybe, subconscious mind somehow works as a balancer between happiness and unhappiness. Or, maybe we humans are programmed not to be all happy.
There is one problem, though. I have nightmares almost every night. Last night I jumped out of my bed and hit my face on the desk.
Maybe, subconscious mind somehow works as a balancer between happiness and unhappiness. Or, maybe we humans are programmed not to be all happy.
01 October 2010
Bupropion
I'm now trying bupropion, an antidepressant, and it is the first non-SSRI antidepressant taken singly. I could switch from Lexapro without white-out period and did not have much adverse-effects, even lexapro's withdrawal effects. for not it works like the the earlier day's lexapro - mild, feel ok, calm, and clever. with bupropion, i sweat less than lexapro. ejaculation problem has not improved yet despite its reputation as non sexual side effects.
13 September 2010
抗うつ剤の期間
いままでSSRIのZoloftとLexaproを飲んできた。ゾロフトはハイになって、レクサプロはマイルドな感じだ。最初はゾロフトから初めて結構効いたんだけど、睡眠障害になったのでレクサプロに変えて、レクサプロもそれなりに効いて、でも、そのうちあんまり効かなくなって、量を増やしたんだけど、効かなくて、ゾロフトに戻して、ゾロフトも１５０ｍｇまで増やして、でも、あんまり効かなくなって欝になって、今はまたレクサプロに戻した。２０ｍｇ。
わかったことは、一つの抗鬱剤を続けていると、ある期間を過ぎると効かなくなるということだ。自分の場合は２－３ヶ月で効かなくなる。そうなったら、他のものに変えるとまた効くようになる。SSRI同士だから、ウォッシュアウト期間はいらなくて、次の日から変えられるけど、３日くらいはイライラする。それを越えるとまた効くようになる。
わかったことは、一つの抗鬱剤を続けていると、ある期間を過ぎると効かなくなるということだ。自分の場合は２－３ヶ月で効かなくなる。そうなったら、他のものに変えるとまた効くようになる。SSRI同士だから、ウォッシュアウト期間はいらなくて、次の日から変えられるけど、３日くらいはイライラする。それを越えるとまた効くようになる。
心のメガネ
抗うつ剤を飲んでからアスペルガーの症状がかなり回復した。気づいたことは、抗鬱剤を飲まないと、または、抗うつ剤が効かなくなると、心の中が曇った状態になって良く考えられなくなることだ。抗うつ剤が効くと、心の視力が矯正されて、心の中がよく見通せるようになる。抗鬱剤を飲むことは自分にとって心のメガネをかけるようなものだ。
19 February 2010
The bottom of depression
Today, I felt so anxious after I drank a cup of coffee and smoked one cigarette. I lay on the wooden chair and soon fell asleep. I tried not to rehearse past failures and extensive negative thoughts, but I was pulled into my dark unconsciousness and had a nightmare. It was not event-specific, but I woke up with the feeling of hopelessness. I told myself not to sink deep into the negative thoughts and not to embrace despair, but I told myself that it was possibly the lowest point of depression this time, and I needed to pass the worst point by letting out all the negative emotions to move on to the recovery phase. Depression doesn't take forever but it surely need a sufficient amount of time and a lot of energy and it is unavoidable for my mind not ot have any anxiety, stemless hopelessness and despair. I should be conscious of how my mind work at every stage of my mental phase and expect the next wave coming, and that let me step out of the turbulence of my occasionally dysfunctional mind and stay sane.
14 February 2010
I said to Claudio, young Swiss man, I had a girlfriend in Phuket and that statement cleared up Claudio's suspiscion that I might be a gay and attempting to tempt him. Also, I realized that saying I have a girlfriend indicate I have a socially normal and competent in sexual competition, and hence, appropriate as a friend. He visibly opened up and we talked to each other like long time friends.
I found European people have consistency and patience in conversation and that made me feel less anxious and more secured I could stay there with the warmth of social involvement. Thai and other Asian people are quick and easy to catch up and their temper heats up quickly but the conversation never endure long nor goes deeper and they easily lose interests and walk away. To point out positive attributes about Europeans, I would say European's social skills are, generally speaking, more advanced and mature. Asian's relationship is comparatively more belonging while European's relationship is more involving. Europeans are open to talk in public whether or not they belong to a social group while Asians are not.
I found European people have consistency and patience in conversation and that made me feel less anxious and more secured I could stay there with the warmth of social involvement. Thai and other Asian people are quick and easy to catch up and their temper heats up quickly but the conversation never endure long nor goes deeper and they easily lose interests and walk away. To point out positive attributes about Europeans, I would say European's social skills are, generally speaking, more advanced and mature. Asian's relationship is comparatively more belonging while European's relationship is more involving. Europeans are open to talk in public whether or not they belong to a social group while Asians are not.
How to overcome a mistake
Waking up with moderately heavy head from last night drink and I remembered bitterly the minor mistake I made last night - putting the accent on the first vowel of "dessert" not the second one. Asperger's have hard time getting over even a minor mistakes.
I told myself not to set back from failures but always step over and go forward and you will leave failures behind and won't see it forward. I believe that is the correct psychological respond to mistakes.
I told myself not to set back from failures but always step over and go forward and you will leave failures behind and won't see it forward. I believe that is the correct psychological respond to mistakes.
A male friend as one step before a girlfriend
The theory I was exposed to first came from the novel "Kokoro(heart)" by Natsume Souseki. "Teacher" told "I" that "I" approached him as one step before "I" approach a girl. At that point of my high school year, I was so sexually isolated and had no relation so I did not have a chance to prove the theory. Now, I still remember it and think it was right. I talked to young European men these days and I think I am not a gay and I like girls as sexual partners, I feel I unconsciously talk to European men as one step before I talk to European girls because European men have something common with European girls. Through socializing with European men and befrinds with them, I gain social label and connection into European youth society. I feel more confident to have male European friends when I seek relationship with European girls.
09 February 2010
I am innately social
Socializing is an essential part of my life, and without having enough daily socializing, I am prone to feel desolated and depressed and unable to focus on other things. Despite my smaller and weaker social networks, I believe I am innately social, and once my social engine is fired up, I am a very socially competent and witty person, and I can talk to almost anyone. The problem is that Asperger's parts of my brain interfere and restrain my social capability and suppress my social activities.
07 February 2010
Aspie-quiz result and my analysis
Your Aspie score: 122 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 68 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
What I found about my aspieness and aspie in general
Aspies...
-are afraid of safe situations and sometimes seek thrills.
-have difficulties accepting criticisms, correction and direction.
-are not always bullied.
-are impatient and low frustration tolerance.
-have unconventional ways solving problems.
-need periods of contemplation
-do not necessarily have a special talent.
-get confused by several verbal instructions at the same time.
-have difficulties describing and summarising events, conversations and something they've read.
-need to do things themselves to remember things.
-find it difficult to take notes in lecture.
-are easily distracted.
-and NT's can't handle multiple tasks.
-unlike NT's, do not prepare for the situation they will encounter in future.
-get frustrated if something important to them are interrupted.
-have no attachment to certain favorite objects?
-do not always have routines to follow.
-find it disturbing or upsetting when others show up either later or sooner than agreed.
-feel out-of-sync with others.
-nobody is so typical.
-have less interest of current fashions and gossip.
-say things that are considered socially inappropriate when they are tired, frustrated or when they act natural.
-find it easier to understand and communicate with odd & unusual people than with ordinary people.
-have atypical sense of humor.
-are attracted to normal sexuality.
-a little tend to obsessed with potential partner.
-feelings regulary swing between hopelessness and extremely high confidence.
-have trouble with accepting authority.
-sometimes lie awake at night because of too many thoughts.
-have usual sexual preferences.
-stuck when asked questions in social situations.
-are more tired after they socialize.
-need to generate after socialize alone.
-are hard to be emotioanally close to other people.
-dislike touch and hug without being asked for it, but if prepared, it's ok.
-and NT's do not feel at ease in romantic situation.
-dislike working while being observed.
-have lots of thoughts that are hard to verbalize.
-need extra time and pose to carefully think out their reply before they answer.
-often don't know where to put their arms.
-tend to talk either too softly or too loudly.
-have odd posture or gait unconsciously.
-fiddle with things.
-look a lot at people they like and little or not at all at people they dislike.
-have problems with timing in conversation.
-express their feelings in ways that baffle others.
-are often misunderstood.
-tend to interpret things literally.
-are surprised to see other people's motives are.
-have difficulty understanding the notion of initiatives and think it is not necessary.
-think NT's are mind-readers that is wrong.
-think themselves sincere and honest and they assume everyone should be.
-have difficulty take messages on the phone and pass them on correctly.
-drop things when attentions are on other things.
-dislike someone being behind them.
-are not necessarily hyperreactive to physical pains.
-are very sensitive to changes in humidity and air pressure.
-have difficulties finding and maintaining friends.
-shut down or meltdown when stressed or overwhelmed.
-are harder to make it on their own.
-are sometime afraid in safe situations.
-have difficulty accepting criticism, correction or direction.
-are prone to getting depression.
-are sometimes taken advantage of.
-are impatient and have low frustration tolerance.
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 68 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
What I found about my aspieness and aspie in general
Aspies...
-are afraid of safe situations and sometimes seek thrills.
-have difficulties accepting criticisms, correction and direction.
-are not always bullied.
-are impatient and low frustration tolerance.
-have unconventional ways solving problems.
-need periods of contemplation
-do not necessarily have a special talent.
-get confused by several verbal instructions at the same time.
-have difficulties describing and summarising events, conversations and something they've read.
-need to do things themselves to remember things.
-find it difficult to take notes in lecture.
-are easily distracted.
-and NT's can't handle multiple tasks.
-unlike NT's, do not prepare for the situation they will encounter in future.
-get frustrated if something important to them are interrupted.
-have no attachment to certain favorite objects?
-do not always have routines to follow.
-find it disturbing or upsetting when others show up either later or sooner than agreed.
-feel out-of-sync with others.
-nobody is so typical.
-have less interest of current fashions and gossip.
-say things that are considered socially inappropriate when they are tired, frustrated or when they act natural.
-find it easier to understand and communicate with odd & unusual people than with ordinary people.
-have atypical sense of humor.
-are attracted to normal sexuality.
-a little tend to obsessed with potential partner.
-feelings regulary swing between hopelessness and extremely high confidence.
-have trouble with accepting authority.
-sometimes lie awake at night because of too many thoughts.
-have usual sexual preferences.
-stuck when asked questions in social situations.
-are more tired after they socialize.
-need to generate after socialize alone.
-are hard to be emotioanally close to other people.
-dislike touch and hug without being asked for it, but if prepared, it's ok.
-and NT's do not feel at ease in romantic situation.
-dislike working while being observed.
-have lots of thoughts that are hard to verbalize.
-need extra time and pose to carefully think out their reply before they answer.
-often don't know where to put their arms.
-tend to talk either too softly or too loudly.
-have odd posture or gait unconsciously.
-fiddle with things.
-look a lot at people they like and little or not at all at people they dislike.
-have problems with timing in conversation.
-express their feelings in ways that baffle others.
-are often misunderstood.
-tend to interpret things literally.
-are surprised to see other people's motives are.
-have difficulty understanding the notion of initiatives and think it is not necessary.
-think NT's are mind-readers that is wrong.
-think themselves sincere and honest and they assume everyone should be.
-have difficulty take messages on the phone and pass them on correctly.
-drop things when attentions are on other things.
-dislike someone being behind them.
-are not necessarily hyperreactive to physical pains.
-are very sensitive to changes in humidity and air pressure.
-have difficulties finding and maintaining friends.
-shut down or meltdown when stressed or overwhelmed.
-are harder to make it on their own.
-are sometime afraid in safe situations.
-have difficulty accepting criticism, correction or direction.
-are prone to getting depression.
-are sometimes taken advantage of.
-are impatient and have low frustration tolerance.
Cigarette's efficacy
-put down excitement and anger and too high.
-good when not sleepy at night and when I am angry and obsessed with anger.
-effective when my mind is in high arousal. Lower further when my mind is in low arousal
-good when not sleepy at night and when I am angry and obsessed with anger.
-effective when my mind is in high arousal. Lower further when my mind is in low arousal
work, work and work and suddenly go through
Romance: work work and work and suddenly go through.
Learning a language: work work and work and suddenly go through.
Socialize: work work and work and suddenly go through.
Learning a language: work work and work and suddenly go through.
Socialize: work work and work and suddenly go through.
31 January 2010
love and importance of writing and organizing and being busy
I love writing. I really love it. Describing and organizing events and my thoughts are self expression and output. We get the most healthy and side-effect-free contentment when we make effort expressing ourselves.
I listened to Owl city's "Fireflies" and I really liked it and the melody is repeating over and over all the time when I am writing this. The sound in my head is dreamily sweet and imagination-inspiring.
One more thing to succeed in social scenes is to keep busy and organizing stuff. Do not let my brain space be the sole space of data saved, but make a bit more effort to write and list up and organize past events and thoughts and also write down my plan in future so that I can rightly prepare for them. Socializing help me to keep busy like other people and that's good thing because busy girls like busy boys. And they believe as a modern socioeconomic notion that busy, or business, is a good thing and lazy and unbusy are no good. Often the idea lacks the supporting reasons and evidence, but if girls believe so it is easier to make myself busy than convincing her busy is not necessarily a good thing.
I listened to Owl city's "Fireflies" and I really liked it and the melody is repeating over and over all the time when I am writing this. The sound in my head is dreamily sweet and imagination-inspiring.
One more thing to succeed in social scenes is to keep busy and organizing stuff. Do not let my brain space be the sole space of data saved, but make a bit more effort to write and list up and organize past events and thoughts and also write down my plan in future so that I can rightly prepare for them. Socializing help me to keep busy like other people and that's good thing because busy girls like busy boys. And they believe as a modern socioeconomic notion that busy, or business, is a good thing and lazy and unbusy are no good. Often the idea lacks the supporting reasons and evidence, but if girls believe so it is easier to make myself busy than convincing her busy is not necessarily a good thing.
my love story and contemplate it
Hiro loves Miu. I am in love with Miu. I feel happy to get across her and now apart from her between Phuket and Krabi, I miss her and she misses me-I guess. Today I took an action. I bought a English-Thai dictionary and I translated my love letter initially I wrote in English to Thai. And then I took the letter to Aoy's store and asked Nok and Tukuta to make it natural in Thai and I called Miu and let Nok to read my letter of my love and discipline. Lines goes:
I like you so much, but you don't care about me much and always play around with other guys. I am not an easy man. If you want me to come back to you, you must make me the only man. Then I will learn Thai language for you and stay with you. Hiro misses Miu. Hiro loves Miu.
Perhaps it is the first love letter I have ever made in my life. It's worth recording and remembering. Searching my memory, that reminds me of the time in my high school when I wrote a short letter to my classmate girl and put it in her shoe box, asking her to come to a place after school. I waited there and she did not come. I was timid in my high school and I did not get any fortune to have a girlfriend. And that's pretty much all about my romance in high school. I liked a classmate girl but i could never really talk to her and she did not talk to me. Bitter memory. I was a hardworking good student throughout the latter middle school and the whole high school but social scene was miserable and fruitless. I did not get a single friend and occasionally I found some wired guys and tried make them friends but they were never loyal nor good friends and did not work out long.
Going back to Krabi today, Nok was talking to Miu long and did and I was sitting nervously before her listening Thai's mysterious language. Finally, they finished the conversation, and turned up to me and telling me unorganized results in poor English. They said she wants me to go back to Phuket and stay with her but not all the time. She has a job training at night-seems some sort of night work guessing from her attire and strong but tempting perfume when she went out every night, bars? discos? I hope not a prostitute or equivalent. Her response was vague and inconsistent but she called me back afterword and added some more message, I think that is a good sign of her strong interest and attraction to me. I said to myselt not to rush into the conclusion from tonight talk, but as one says love takes time, it will take time for her to recognize my effort to write a letter in Thai and she will think of me with importance.
I found myself in a turbulence of affairs and the center of attention. I found myself talkative, describing every detail I remember of Miu and I and our conversations. I am damn social now WOW. I can correctly make it attributed to the preparation I did before I come to meet my friends. I was hangover in the morning and repeated between sleeping and waking up drinking water. 2pm I felt ok and after breakfast, stayed in my room, contributing good amount of time writing last night's event and following thoughts which length reached 9 pages of notebook with handwriting. And then, I read aloud English articles tuning my voice and pronunciation. I even prepared my smile in front of the mirror. When I entered Aoy's shop and started socializing it was smooth to smile and talk in clear and organized English. Predicting events and preparing for them is the key to success for sure as an aspie. I really enjoy love affair although unclear how it will turn out, but I really enjoy social interactions involving with this serious important event. And I believe in the middle of the most social time of my life ever, that my happiness is strongly related to the social portion, mostly love with my partner. So althogh I am currently not so socially capable nor competent as an aspie, I should not give up nor ignore people and society because that's where the most excitement and happiness (as well as most disappointment and unhappiness) come from. If I make a life-time partner, she and subsidiary "family" could be the most valuable thing in my life. I should get my love at any cost with continuous effort and try even harder to maintain our relationship. I can be a good boyfriend and husband if I try a little harder than other NT's and I have all the energy and time needed to accomplish it.
I like you so much, but you don't care about me much and always play around with other guys. I am not an easy man. If you want me to come back to you, you must make me the only man. Then I will learn Thai language for you and stay with you. Hiro misses Miu. Hiro loves Miu.
Perhaps it is the first love letter I have ever made in my life. It's worth recording and remembering. Searching my memory, that reminds me of the time in my high school when I wrote a short letter to my classmate girl and put it in her shoe box, asking her to come to a place after school. I waited there and she did not come. I was timid in my high school and I did not get any fortune to have a girlfriend. And that's pretty much all about my romance in high school. I liked a classmate girl but i could never really talk to her and she did not talk to me. Bitter memory. I was a hardworking good student throughout the latter middle school and the whole high school but social scene was miserable and fruitless. I did not get a single friend and occasionally I found some wired guys and tried make them friends but they were never loyal nor good friends and did not work out long.
Going back to Krabi today, Nok was talking to Miu long and did and I was sitting nervously before her listening Thai's mysterious language. Finally, they finished the conversation, and turned up to me and telling me unorganized results in poor English. They said she wants me to go back to Phuket and stay with her but not all the time. She has a job training at night-seems some sort of night work guessing from her attire and strong but tempting perfume when she went out every night, bars? discos? I hope not a prostitute or equivalent. Her response was vague and inconsistent but she called me back afterword and added some more message, I think that is a good sign of her strong interest and attraction to me. I said to myselt not to rush into the conclusion from tonight talk, but as one says love takes time, it will take time for her to recognize my effort to write a letter in Thai and she will think of me with importance.
I found myself in a turbulence of affairs and the center of attention. I found myself talkative, describing every detail I remember of Miu and I and our conversations. I am damn social now WOW. I can correctly make it attributed to the preparation I did before I come to meet my friends. I was hangover in the morning and repeated between sleeping and waking up drinking water. 2pm I felt ok and after breakfast, stayed in my room, contributing good amount of time writing last night's event and following thoughts which length reached 9 pages of notebook with handwriting. And then, I read aloud English articles tuning my voice and pronunciation. I even prepared my smile in front of the mirror. When I entered Aoy's shop and started socializing it was smooth to smile and talk in clear and organized English. Predicting events and preparing for them is the key to success for sure as an aspie. I really enjoy love affair although unclear how it will turn out, but I really enjoy social interactions involving with this serious important event. And I believe in the middle of the most social time of my life ever, that my happiness is strongly related to the social portion, mostly love with my partner. So althogh I am currently not so socially capable nor competent as an aspie, I should not give up nor ignore people and society because that's where the most excitement and happiness (as well as most disappointment and unhappiness) come from. If I make a life-time partner, she and subsidiary "family" could be the most valuable thing in my life. I should get my love at any cost with continuous effort and try even harder to maintain our relationship. I can be a good boyfriend and husband if I try a little harder than other NT's and I have all the energy and time needed to accomplish it.
Analysis and positive perspective of my vocal/pronunciation problem
Because the inarticulateness of my pronunciation and too-softness or too-loudness of my voice are attributed to some dysfunction of my aspie brain and the lack of the past social experience stemming from the unsociableness of my aspie trait, not to the deformity of my mouth or throat or other physical vocal organs, if I train properly and prepare regularly , I am able to speak a language as clearly and correctly as other speakers do.
05 January 2010
良い文章を書く
洗練された良い文章を書くには、一度意識に入ってきたものを、忘却によって意識から無意識にろ過させて、その後、再び意識に浮かび上がってきた結晶を書く。そのプロセスによって無駄なものがそぎ落とされ、純粋で普遍的な言葉だけが残る。後はそれをイングリーディエントとして他のものと組み合わせて自由に料理すればよい。
03 January 2010
人付き合い
僕はまったく人付き合いが苦手である。あるポーズを決めてそれを押し通すことができない。そのポーズに異物感を感じてそのうち嫌気がさしてくる。僕が相手とコミュニケーションしようとするとそのつど、正気でいられる狭い道を探さなくてはならない。相手がマチュアでオープンマインドであって受け口が広く開かれている場合は良いが、相手も同じように狭い受け口しかもっていない場合には絶望的である。同じ高さに受け口がある場合などほとんどなく、だいたい僕が無理をしてかがみこんだり、背伸びしたりしなければならないから、くたびれ果ててやめてしまう。
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