19 February 2010
The bottom of depression
Today, I felt so anxious after I drank a cup of coffee and smoked one cigarette. I lay on the wooden chair and soon fell asleep. I tried not to rehearse past failures and extensive negative thoughts, but I was pulled into my dark unconsciousness and had a nightmare. It was not event-specific, but I woke up with the feeling of hopelessness. I told myself not to sink deep into the negative thoughts and not to embrace despair, but I told myself that it was possibly the lowest point of depression this time, and I needed to pass the worst point by letting out all the negative emotions to move on to the recovery phase. Depression doesn't take forever but it surely need a sufficient amount of time and a lot of energy and it is unavoidable for my mind not ot have any anxiety, stemless hopelessness and despair. I should be conscious of how my mind work at every stage of my mental phase and expect the next wave coming, and that let me step out of the turbulence of my occasionally dysfunctional mind and stay sane.
14 February 2010
I said to Claudio, young Swiss man, I had a girlfriend in Phuket and that statement cleared up Claudio's suspiscion that I might be a gay and attempting to tempt him. Also, I realized that saying I have a girlfriend indicate I have a socially normal and competent in sexual competition, and hence, appropriate as a friend. He visibly opened up and we talked to each other like long time friends.
I found European people have consistency and patience in conversation and that made me feel less anxious and more secured I could stay there with the warmth of social involvement. Thai and other Asian people are quick and easy to catch up and their temper heats up quickly but the conversation never endure long nor goes deeper and they easily lose interests and walk away. To point out positive attributes about Europeans, I would say European's social skills are, generally speaking, more advanced and mature. Asian's relationship is comparatively more belonging while European's relationship is more involving. Europeans are open to talk in public whether or not they belong to a social group while Asians are not.
I found European people have consistency and patience in conversation and that made me feel less anxious and more secured I could stay there with the warmth of social involvement. Thai and other Asian people are quick and easy to catch up and their temper heats up quickly but the conversation never endure long nor goes deeper and they easily lose interests and walk away. To point out positive attributes about Europeans, I would say European's social skills are, generally speaking, more advanced and mature. Asian's relationship is comparatively more belonging while European's relationship is more involving. Europeans are open to talk in public whether or not they belong to a social group while Asians are not.
How to overcome a mistake
Waking up with moderately heavy head from last night drink and I remembered bitterly the minor mistake I made last night - putting the accent on the first vowel of "dessert" not the second one. Asperger's have hard time getting over even a minor mistakes.
I told myself not to set back from failures but always step over and go forward and you will leave failures behind and won't see it forward. I believe that is the correct psychological respond to mistakes.
I told myself not to set back from failures but always step over and go forward and you will leave failures behind and won't see it forward. I believe that is the correct psychological respond to mistakes.
A male friend as one step before a girlfriend
The theory I was exposed to first came from the novel "Kokoro(heart)" by Natsume Souseki. "Teacher" told "I" that "I" approached him as one step before "I" approach a girl. At that point of my high school year, I was so sexually isolated and had no relation so I did not have a chance to prove the theory. Now, I still remember it and think it was right. I talked to young European men these days and I think I am not a gay and I like girls as sexual partners, I feel I unconsciously talk to European men as one step before I talk to European girls because European men have something common with European girls. Through socializing with European men and befrinds with them, I gain social label and connection into European youth society. I feel more confident to have male European friends when I seek relationship with European girls.
09 February 2010
I am innately social
Socializing is an essential part of my life, and without having enough daily socializing, I am prone to feel desolated and depressed and unable to focus on other things. Despite my smaller and weaker social networks, I believe I am innately social, and once my social engine is fired up, I am a very socially competent and witty person, and I can talk to almost anyone. The problem is that Asperger's parts of my brain interfere and restrain my social capability and suppress my social activities.
07 February 2010
Aspie-quiz result and my analysis
Your Aspie score: 122 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 68 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
What I found about my aspieness and aspie in general
Aspies...
-are afraid of safe situations and sometimes seek thrills.
-have difficulties accepting criticisms, correction and direction.
-are not always bullied.
-are impatient and low frustration tolerance.
-have unconventional ways solving problems.
-need periods of contemplation
-do not necessarily have a special talent.
-get confused by several verbal instructions at the same time.
-have difficulties describing and summarising events, conversations and something they've read.
-need to do things themselves to remember things.
-find it difficult to take notes in lecture.
-are easily distracted.
-and NT's can't handle multiple tasks.
-unlike NT's, do not prepare for the situation they will encounter in future.
-get frustrated if something important to them are interrupted.
-have no attachment to certain favorite objects?
-do not always have routines to follow.
-find it disturbing or upsetting when others show up either later or sooner than agreed.
-feel out-of-sync with others.
-nobody is so typical.
-have less interest of current fashions and gossip.
-say things that are considered socially inappropriate when they are tired, frustrated or when they act natural.
-find it easier to understand and communicate with odd & unusual people than with ordinary people.
-have atypical sense of humor.
-are attracted to normal sexuality.
-a little tend to obsessed with potential partner.
-feelings regulary swing between hopelessness and extremely high confidence.
-have trouble with accepting authority.
-sometimes lie awake at night because of too many thoughts.
-have usual sexual preferences.
-stuck when asked questions in social situations.
-are more tired after they socialize.
-need to generate after socialize alone.
-are hard to be emotioanally close to other people.
-dislike touch and hug without being asked for it, but if prepared, it's ok.
-and NT's do not feel at ease in romantic situation.
-dislike working while being observed.
-have lots of thoughts that are hard to verbalize.
-need extra time and pose to carefully think out their reply before they answer.
-often don't know where to put their arms.
-tend to talk either too softly or too loudly.
-have odd posture or gait unconsciously.
-fiddle with things.
-look a lot at people they like and little or not at all at people they dislike.
-have problems with timing in conversation.
-express their feelings in ways that baffle others.
-are often misunderstood.
-tend to interpret things literally.
-are surprised to see other people's motives are.
-have difficulty understanding the notion of initiatives and think it is not necessary.
-think NT's are mind-readers that is wrong.
-think themselves sincere and honest and they assume everyone should be.
-have difficulty take messages on the phone and pass them on correctly.
-drop things when attentions are on other things.
-dislike someone being behind them.
-are not necessarily hyperreactive to physical pains.
-are very sensitive to changes in humidity and air pressure.
-have difficulties finding and maintaining friends.
-shut down or meltdown when stressed or overwhelmed.
-are harder to make it on their own.
-are sometime afraid in safe situations.
-have difficulty accepting criticism, correction or direction.
-are prone to getting depression.
-are sometimes taken advantage of.
-are impatient and have low frustration tolerance.
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 68 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
What I found about my aspieness and aspie in general
Aspies...
-are afraid of safe situations and sometimes seek thrills.
-have difficulties accepting criticisms, correction and direction.
-are not always bullied.
-are impatient and low frustration tolerance.
-have unconventional ways solving problems.
-need periods of contemplation
-do not necessarily have a special talent.
-get confused by several verbal instructions at the same time.
-have difficulties describing and summarising events, conversations and something they've read.
-need to do things themselves to remember things.
-find it difficult to take notes in lecture.
-are easily distracted.
-and NT's can't handle multiple tasks.
-unlike NT's, do not prepare for the situation they will encounter in future.
-get frustrated if something important to them are interrupted.
-have no attachment to certain favorite objects?
-do not always have routines to follow.
-find it disturbing or upsetting when others show up either later or sooner than agreed.
-feel out-of-sync with others.
-nobody is so typical.
-have less interest of current fashions and gossip.
-say things that are considered socially inappropriate when they are tired, frustrated or when they act natural.
-find it easier to understand and communicate with odd & unusual people than with ordinary people.
-have atypical sense of humor.
-are attracted to normal sexuality.
-a little tend to obsessed with potential partner.
-feelings regulary swing between hopelessness and extremely high confidence.
-have trouble with accepting authority.
-sometimes lie awake at night because of too many thoughts.
-have usual sexual preferences.
-stuck when asked questions in social situations.
-are more tired after they socialize.
-need to generate after socialize alone.
-are hard to be emotioanally close to other people.
-dislike touch and hug without being asked for it, but if prepared, it's ok.
-and NT's do not feel at ease in romantic situation.
-dislike working while being observed.
-have lots of thoughts that are hard to verbalize.
-need extra time and pose to carefully think out their reply before they answer.
-often don't know where to put their arms.
-tend to talk either too softly or too loudly.
-have odd posture or gait unconsciously.
-fiddle with things.
-look a lot at people they like and little or not at all at people they dislike.
-have problems with timing in conversation.
-express their feelings in ways that baffle others.
-are often misunderstood.
-tend to interpret things literally.
-are surprised to see other people's motives are.
-have difficulty understanding the notion of initiatives and think it is not necessary.
-think NT's are mind-readers that is wrong.
-think themselves sincere and honest and they assume everyone should be.
-have difficulty take messages on the phone and pass them on correctly.
-drop things when attentions are on other things.
-dislike someone being behind them.
-are not necessarily hyperreactive to physical pains.
-are very sensitive to changes in humidity and air pressure.
-have difficulties finding and maintaining friends.
-shut down or meltdown when stressed or overwhelmed.
-are harder to make it on their own.
-are sometime afraid in safe situations.
-have difficulty accepting criticism, correction or direction.
-are prone to getting depression.
-are sometimes taken advantage of.
-are impatient and have low frustration tolerance.
Cigarette's efficacy
-put down excitement and anger and too high.
-good when not sleepy at night and when I am angry and obsessed with anger.
-effective when my mind is in high arousal. Lower further when my mind is in low arousal
-good when not sleepy at night and when I am angry and obsessed with anger.
-effective when my mind is in high arousal. Lower further when my mind is in low arousal
work, work and work and suddenly go through
Romance: work work and work and suddenly go through.
Learning a language: work work and work and suddenly go through.
Socialize: work work and work and suddenly go through.
Learning a language: work work and work and suddenly go through.
Socialize: work work and work and suddenly go through.
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