I'm doing good.

I got a teaching job and working every day. It gives me discipline and moderate social pressure. I love to express myself in the class room. I easily fit in this job. Bupropion is working well still. Ejaculation delay of SSRI has has been solved taking bupropion. I now enjoy the pleasure of early ejaculation lol. I love my work. I love my life. Stable life is the best. I don't wanna go back to bipolar "roller coaster" mental states. I have a minor problem, though. I have bad dreams every night. They are so hopeless and dreading. I wake up with despair and it takes some time to convince myself that was just a dream, and raise my mood up to the normal.

nightmare

I now take one bupropion tablet in the morning, and it works great. I feel peaceful all day and bring the control of my brain into my hands back.

There is one problem, though. I have nightmares almost every night. Last night I jumped out of my bed and hit my face on the desk.

Maybe, subconscious mind somehow works as a balancer between happiness and unhappiness. Or, maybe we humans are programmed not to be all happy.

nightmare

I now take one bupropion tablet in the morning, and it works great. I feel peaceful all day and bring the control of my brain into my hands back.

There is one problem, though. I have nightmares almost every night. Last night I jumped out of my bed and hit my face on the desk.

Maybe, subconscious mind somehow works as a balancer between happiness and unhappiness. Or, maybe we humans are programmed not to be all happy.

Bupropion

I'm now trying bupropion, an antidepressant, and it is the first non-SSRI antidepressant taken singly. I could switch from Lexapro without white-out period and did not have much adverse-effects, even lexapro's withdrawal effects. for not it works like the the earlier day's lexapro - mild, feel ok, calm, and clever. with bupropion, i sweat less than lexapro. ejaculation problem has not improved yet despite its reputation as non sexual side effects.

抗うつ剤の期間

いままでSSRIのZoloftとLexaproを飲んできた。ゾロフトはハイになって、レクサプロはマイルドな感じだ。最初はゾロフトから初めて結構効いたんだけど、睡眠障害になったのでレクサプロに変えて、レクサプロもそれなりに効いて、でも、そのうちあんまり効かなくなって、量を増やしたんだけど、効かなくて、ゾロフトに戻して、ゾロフトも１５０ｍｇまで増やして、でも、あんまり効かなくなって欝になって、今はまたレクサプロに戻した。２０ｍｇ。

わかったことは、一つの抗鬱剤を続けていると、ある期間を過ぎると効かなくなるということだ。自分の場合は２－３ヶ月で効かなくなる。そうなったら、他のものに変えるとまた効くようになる。SSRI同士だから、ウォッシュアウト期間はいらなくて、次の日から変えられるけど、３日くらいはイライラする。それを越えるとまた効くようになる。

心のメガネ

抗うつ剤を飲んでからアスペルガーの症状がかなり回復した。気づいたことは、抗鬱剤を飲まないと、または、抗うつ剤が効かなくなると、心の中が曇った状態になって良く考えられなくなることだ。抗うつ剤が効くと、心の視力が矯正されて、心の中がよく見通せるようになる。抗鬱剤を飲むことは自分にとって心のメガネをかけるようなものだ。

The bottom of depression

Today, I felt so anxious after I drank a cup of coffee and smoked one cigarette. I lay on the wooden chair and soon fell asleep. I tried not to rehearse past failures and extensive negative thoughts, but I was pulled into my dark unconsciousness and had a nightmare. It was not event-specific, but I woke up with the feeling of hopelessness. I told myself not to sink deep into the negative thoughts and not to embrace despair, but I told myself that it was possibly the lowest point of depression this time, and I needed to pass the worst point by letting out all the negative emotions to move on to the recovery phase. Depression doesn't take forever but it surely need a sufficient amount of time and a lot of energy and it is unavoidable for my mind not ot have any anxiety, stemless hopelessness and despair. I should be conscious of how my mind work at every stage of my mental phase and expect the next wave coming, and that let me step out of the turbulence of my occasionally dysfunctional mind and stay sane.